1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask
*me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it,
"What'll be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number
10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the
field".
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

int cGorillas = Gorilla::GetCount( );
IApe* pApe = new Gorilla( );
pApe->GetYourStinkingPawsOffMeYouDamnDirtyApe( );

'UNIX Airways'
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

'AIR DOS'
Everybody pushed the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

'MAC AIRLINES'
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without you ever having to know, so just shut up.

'WINDOWS AIR'
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

'WINDOWS NT AIR'
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40 mile radius when it explodes.......

1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list, saying that, "We are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list."

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulb work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to collate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say that this is just what this list was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for a new list: alt.lite.bulb.

38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

A contest was held (somewhere) for people to submit their theories on ANY subject, and these are the winners:

Probability Theory: If an infinite number of hunters riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

Bio-Mechanics: Yawning is contagious because one yawns to equalize the pressure on the eardrums and the pressure change outside the eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

Newtonian Mechanics: The earth spins faster on its axis due to deforestation, since just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees is causing planet Earth to spin increasingly faster. Soon, we will all be launched into space.

Linguistics: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant, and when omitted in one place, turn up in another. For example, when a New Englander "Pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." (I have always had a similar theory about weight; mass being a constant, if one person loses weight, somebody else has to gain it. which would explain my skinny friends and my "generous" hips)

And finally, the Grand Prize Winner, Perpetual Motion: It is widely known that when a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down, so it was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats. As the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground, one could employ an array of buttered toast and cats to power a high-speed monorail that could easily link New York with Chicago.

(A story from a guy named Cameron)

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because, no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have FREE BEER during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I will just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
CAMERON: Momma.....

1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
6. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
10. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
13. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
14. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
15. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
16. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
17. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
20. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
21. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
22. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
23. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
24. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
26. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
27. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
28. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
29. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
30. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
31. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
32. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
33. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
34. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
35. Do witches run spell checkers?
36. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
37. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
38. Dain bramaged.
39. Department of Redundancy Department
40. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
41. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
42. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
43. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
44. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
45. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
46. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
47. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
48. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
49. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
50. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
51. -------- The information went data way --------
52. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
53. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
54. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
55. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
56. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
57. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
58. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
59. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
60. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
61. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
62. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
63. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
64. E Pluribus Modem
65. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
66. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
67. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
68. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
69. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
70. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
71. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
72. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
3. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
74. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
75. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
76. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
77. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
78. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
79. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
80. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
81. All computers wait at the same speed.
82. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
83. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to continue ...
84. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
85. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
86. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
87. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
88. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
89. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
90. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
91. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
92. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
93. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
94. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
95. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
96. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.